


all my friends are wasted

by mushroombiome



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alcohol, Drunk Texting, Drunkenness, Social Media, Texting, Underage Drinking, gratuitous use of drunk typos
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-07-11 06:02:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7032064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mushroombiome/pseuds/mushroombiome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bitty (2:31am)<br/>notes for Soviet me<br/>1) u didn't do abut big ok<br/>2$ u had drunk and good<br/>4) ol be okay I. tbwill morning ok<br/>5$ iLife you!!!!<br/>6) in ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!$!<br/>7) be sure to Sri k water and eat!!!</p><p>Lardo (2:31am)<br/>BITS how tf drunk are u??/!</p><p>A collection of drunk texts in the Samwell Men's Hockey Group Chat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> because drunk texting is so funny and is another language on its own
> 
> and i mean. it's probably even more hilarious with our ragtag group of drunk hockey bros

**Bitty (2:31am)**

notes for Soviet me

1) u didn't do abut big ok

2$ u had drunk and good

4) ol be okay I. tbwill morning ok

5$ iLife you!!!!

6) in ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!$!

7) be sure to Sri k water and eat!!!

**Lardo (2:31am)**

BITS how tf drunk are u??/!

**Holster (2:32am)**

N J CE!!! l lok in out for yrself]

**Holster (2:32am)**

i wish i dis that

**Bitty (2:32am)**

WIAT THIS ID NOTG MH NOPETABD app

**Ransom (2:33am)**

how tf drunk lol

**Lardo (2:33am)**

shubt up!!!!!!

**Shitty (2:34am)**

woW my child is drink!!!!! CMPLETGTLY hsitfaced fr the first gitime!!!!!!! lk at hm boyz! he’s ngoriwng up

**Bitty (2:34am)**

:vD

**Jack  (2:36am)**

Oh my god guys, please sober up and go to bed

**Shitty (2:37am)**

I KNOSA ya captain but YA CANG EXECRISE UR CAPTAINY STUFF DURING A KRGSTGER !!!!!!!!

**Lardo (2:38am)**

the partys over technivcally

**Shitty (2:38pm)**

shuSH!!!!

**Ransom (2:41am)**

adamn where r u imy

**Holster (2:43am)**

IM IN DA KTGCHEN!!!! EATGIN THE L ASTP IE TO SBOER UP!!!!! CMERE BAE SHARE W ME

**LD (2:44am)**

i wasn’t invited but iim get me some fckn pie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Shitty (2:44am)**

SOBERINB UP PARTY IN THKE KETCHEN!!!!!! LZ FCJKING OG!!

**EB (2:45am)**

im sudo tiedr :,( im bgonb bed

**Lardo (2:45am)**

bitty my man!!!!! follow ur gd notes nd eat osme of ur pie to sober up so u wnt die tmrw!!!

* * *

**Shitty (9:15am)**

GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE!!!!!!!!!!!

**Lardo (9:17am)**

wtf shits, ur tweets r so loud, it’s giving me a headache

**Shitty (9:17am)**

I NEED EVERYONE 2 GET O N THEIR ASSES AND TAKE A PART OF CLEANUP CREW 2016

**Ransom (9:19am)**

i am screenshotting everything from last night, this is fkn hilarious

**Ransom (9:19am)**

“notes for Soviet me” bits u didn’t tell us u were russian!!!

**Lardo (9:20am)**

"2$ u had drunk and good" me too, bits, me too

**Bitty (9:22am)**

Oh my god please save the chirping for when I’m not hungover

**Ransom (9:23am)**

who gave u those notes anyways

**Bitty (9:24am)**

I think some rando gave me pointers after I made out w/ him and told him I’ve never been that drunk

**Ransom (9:25am)**

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Shitty (9:25am)**

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BRUH

**Lardo (9:25am)**

damn bits, get itt

**Ransom (9:25am)**

where TF IS HOLSTER HE IS GONNA FLIP

**Lardo (9:26am)**

he is sleeping like a baby boy, let him be

**Ransom (9:26am)**

D:

**Holster (9:29am)**

i just woke up u fuckers

**Holster (9:29am)**

i was planning to sleep this hangover away

**Holster (9:30am)**

also damn bits gratz!!!!!!!! we knew u had it in u

**Bitty (9:31am)**

What???

**Holster (9:31am)**

u kno ;))))))

**Jack (9:35am)**

Do you guys need me to drive you to Denny’s

**Lardo (9:35am)**

OH MY GOD

**Holster (9:35am)**

YES PLEASEEEEEEEEE

**Ransom (9:36am)**

YOU’RE THE GREATEST CAPTAIN EVERRR <3 <3 <3 <3

**Shitty (9:36am)**

TEAM IN THE HANGOVER EXPRESS IN 10 MIN!!!!!!!!!!

**Jack (9:37am)**

My car is not a hangover express, omg

**Shitty (9:37am)**

DNT ARGUE WITH THE TRUTH, JACKIE BOY

**Bitty (9:38am)**

Guys y'alls tweets are SO LOUD good LORD

* * *

** Bitty (7:31pm) **

i figured it out!!!!!

**Holster (7:33pm)**

?

**Bitty (7:37pm)**

"notes for sober me:

  1. you didn’t do anything bad
  2. you were drunk and had a good time
  3. you’ll be okay in the morning
  4. i love you (?????)
  5. i’m okay
  6. make sure to drink water and eat"



**Lardo (7:39pm)**

drunk you is so good to sober you it’s so cute

**Shitty (7:40pm)**

we need to all follow in bitty’s footsteps and be nicer to our sober selves. thank u for teaching us a valuable lesson my beautiful frog

**Jack (7:41pm)**

Don’t you guys have homework to do it’s Sunday

**Lardo (7:41pm)**

as team manager i command u to SHUT UP JACK!!!!

**Jack (7:43pm)**

Someone’s gotta steer this drunk ass ship

**Shitty (7:44pm)**

jackie…jacques.... jack laurent zimmermann..... my dude, my guy… my gal pal.. . did u just chirp us thru text!!!!!!!!!

**Ransom (7:45pm)**

IM COMMEMORATING THIS MOMENT ON THE 'SPECIAL OCCASIONS AND DATES' EXCEL SPREADSHEET

**Jack (7:47pm)**

Guys


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the samwell men's hockey team attend an MIT party and everyone is thirsty as fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> probably set sometime during fall semester of bitty's sophomor year
> 
> lowkey dex/nursey
> 
> apparently MIT parties are so poppin and attract students from all over boston. and i mean samwell is near boston so obviously they would also go ;)))

**Thursday**

**Ransom (2:05pm)**

yo i just got this invite to a frat party at MIT

**Ransom (2:06pm)**

my friend from science camp back in middle school is in phi sig and they're hosting their cool rooftop party sat night and can get us in for free

**Lardo (2:08pm)**

dude im down. MIT parties are always poppin

**Dex (2:08pm)**

Really?

**Lardo (2:09pm)**

yea for a bunch of smart kids they know how to party hard it's great

**Shitty (2:09pm)**

dude the last MIT party i went to i ended up on the floor of Haus kitchen with just a mankini with no recollection of how i lost all my clothes

**Nursey (2:10pm)**

DAMN i am down to go that sounds gr8

**Bitty (2:11pm)**

I'll go too!

**Chowder (2:11pm)**

me 2!!!!!!!

**Jack (2:12pm)**

I'll drive you guys if you need to

**Ransom (2:13pm)**

are u sure??? we don't wanna impose on you. we can always split an uber!!

**Jack (2:14pm)**

It's good! I wanna make sure you guys get home safely

**Ransom (2:14pm)**

wow our captain in shining hockey armor :')

**Shitty (2:15pm)**

jackie boy you are too good for us!!

* * *

** Saturday **

** Holster (12:22pm) **

so MIT parties huh 

** Holster (12:23pm) **

is this where we find suitable spouses so we can get that $$$ when they make that scientific breakthrough

** Lardo (12:23pm) **

dont u already have ransom 4 that

** Ransom (12:24pm) **

bro!!!!!!!!!! dnt cheat on me

** Holster (12:24pm) **

i won’t cheat on u….. i’ll find me a 2nd spouse so i’ll hav even more $$$$$$$ ;)

** Jack (12:25pm) **

Be safe and have fun guys

** Ransom (12:25pm) **

THANKS DAD

** Holster (12:25pm) **

THANKS DAD

**Holster (12:25pm)**

OMG WE R SO N*SYNC RN

** Ransom (12:25pm) **

YOOOO

* * *

** Chowder (9:15pm) **

bhvj

** Ransom (9:15pm) **

chowder are you drunk already. you had two shots of vodka

** Lardo (9:17pm) **

chowder we are just PREGAMING where ARE U

** Chowder (9:16pm) **

noo!qqq

** Chowder (9:19pm) **

im find!!! seriously!!!!!!!!!!

** Chowder (9:20pm) **

im w/ nurses rn he’s taking so long to get ready!!!!!

** Chowder (9:25pm) **

nv

** Chowder (9:26pm) **

he JUST tackled me >:(((( dex where are u??????

** Dex (9:27pm) **

Somewhere where I’m COMPLETELY far away from random Nursey tackles

**Nursey (9:29pm)**

yea i'm tackling him but chowder's totally tipsy rn ;)

**Nursey (9:30pm)**

the asian glow is real u guys

**Chowder (9:30pm)**

NURSEY!!!!!!!!!

** Lardo (9:32pm) **

oh my GOD you guys GET DOWN HERE so we can turn up already

* * *

** Bitty (11:47pm) **

I kn ow this is MIT but wheRE ARE TH GAYS

** Bitty (11:47pm) **

EVERYONE HERE IS STRAIGHT HOOKING UP

** Lardo (11:48pm) **

bits i think u need water bc u r THIRSTING

** Lardo (11:48pm) **

also ur v drunk and u need to wash some of tht alc out

** Lardo (11:49pm) **

this jungle juice is STRONG AS HELL i love it

** Lardo (11:49pm) **

but THATS ASIDE THE POINT

** Lardo (11:55pm) **

i dont even gO TO MIT BUT GUESS WHO JUST WON PHI SIG BEER PONG CHAMP

** Bitty (11:57pm) **

People can b e scientists and gay!!!!!!!!!!

** Bitty (11:57pm) **

I want someone to whisper sweet chemxical reactions nothings in my ear

** Dex (11:58pm) **

????????

** Chowder (11:59pm) **

BITY!!!!!!!!!!!

** Bitty (12:00am) **

MY SON I DIDNT MEAN FOR U TO READ THAT IM SO SORRY

** Lardo (12:00am) **

that sounds like something holster or nurses would say

** Lardo (12:01am) **

rans would die bc he’ll realize he prolly has a chemvcal midterm in like 2 weeks nd then have an exigstnegtial crisis

** Ransom (12:02am) **

LWTRISSA DUAN!!!!

** Holster (12:02am) **

LARDO DONT DISTRUB THE preciOUS CORAL REEF EESP IN A TURNT PARITY LIKE HTIS!!!!!

** Nursey (12:05am) **

ligterally bitty just ask around im two pickup lines away from a threesome w/ two hot guys ;))))

**Dex (12:05am)**

WHAT

** Bitty (12:05am) **

wTFFFFF

** Shitty (12:06am) **

BITS DO NOTASSUME!!!!!! i overheard this guy s sayin HE WANT DAT DICK

** Shitty (12:06am) **

BELIEVE IN THE GAY BITTY

** Shitty (12:06am) **

U WANT THE DICK U GET THE DICK

** Nursey (12:07am) **

dex wanna join in ;)))))

** Dex (12:07am) **

?!!!!!!!!!!!

** Nurses (12:08am) **

Iim at the far rght corner outside @ the rooftop, com by in 10 

** Lardo (12:08am) **

DAM BOI get itttttttttttt

** Bitty (12:09am) **

FINE if nurses cn get it i CAN TO

** Jack (12:12am) **

I’m really excited to see your guys’ sober reactions to this tomorrow morning

* * *

**Shitty (10:33am)**

i need a drink of water not bc im hungover as shit but BECAUSE OF THE AMOUNT OF THIRST FROM YOU BOYS FROM LAST NIGHT

** Bitty (10:34am) **

Don’t even remind me

** Ransom (10:35am) **

Did Nursey ever join the threesome

** Ransom (10:35am) **

More importantly did Dex join in

** Lardo (10:37am) **

why do u think we fuckin went to the ihop down the street at 3am without dex and nursey before jack picked us up

** Chowder (10:37am) **

DEX AND NURSEY WERE IN A FOURSOME????????????????

** Dex (10:39am) **

That is a LOADED question

** Nursey (10:39am) **

;)

** Ransom (10:40am) **

YOOOOOOOO

** Holster (10:40am) **

DUUUUUUUUUUDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

** Holster (10:41am) **

they just scored more than jack's hockey record

** Holster (10:41am) **

my children :') i am so proud of you guys

** Nursey (10:43am) **

bits, did you ever find a guy eventually

** Shitty (10:44am) **

as a matter of fact HE DID

** Shitty (10:44am) **

he was unashamedly grinding against a SUPER CUTE BOY to NIKKI

** Shitty (10:44am) **

bitty wasn't the only thing feelin himself that night ;)

** Bitty (10:45am) **

SHITTY!!!!!!!!! >:(

** Bitty (10:46am) **

but yes, that’s true. he was an astrophysicist (blushing emoji)

** Bitty (10:47am) **

also there’s pies on the counter for everyone to sober up! (and for jack for being a wonderful DD last night!!)

** Ransom (10:47am) **

DAMMNNNNNNNN

** Ransom (10:48am) **

THE THIRST JUST GOT QUENCHED. i’M SO PROUD OF YOU BITS MY MAN DID ~THINGS~ HAPPEN

** Ransom (10:48am) **

LIKE, 'NURSEY AND DEX BEING A PART OF FOURSOME' THINGS

** Dex (10:49am) **

Oh god

** Bitty (10:53am) **

that is a loaded question

** Holster (10:50am) **

OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH

** Holster (10:51am) **

DID U SEE HOW LONG IT TOOK FOR HIM TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION

** Bitty (10:51am) **

Please let my hungover ass live!!!!!!

** Lardo (10:52am) **

yeah shut up u guys, i can hear u from all the way in the living room

** Jack (10:53am) **

Bitty is as red as a tomato, it's hilarious

** Bitty (10:53am) **

JACK!!! I TRUSTED YOU TO NOT CHIRP ME LIKE THIS

** Chowder (10:55am) **

i can’t believe you guys were in a foursome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

** Dex (10:55am) **

i mean... it was fantastic honestly

** Shitty (10:56am) **

SEE, this is why everyone should indulge in three(+)somes once in a while

** Shitty (10:56am) **

gr8 sexual experience, 10/10, would recommend

** Ransom (10:56am) **

bro

** Chowder (10:57am) **

???!!!?

** Lardo (10:57am) **

guys stop tainting chowder's fragile innocent mind

** Shitty (10:58am) **

tbh if ransom’s a delicate coral reef, chowder is a pure field of wildflowers

** Chowder (10:58am) **

omg, i’m so beautiful! :D


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BITTY GETS HIGH FOR THE FIRST TIME

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're gonna ~deviate~ from the alcohol and add in a nice lil chapter on the good ol' mary jane juana
> 
> slight reference of battlestar galactica because im a nerd wtf

****

**Bitty (2:03pm)**

I’ve never been this high my entire life

**Lardo (2:03pm)**

can u even move

**Bitty (2:06pm)**

Why am i in the way

**Nursey (2:07pm)**

LOL how high are u

**Jack (2:07pm)**

You’re tainting his mind with weed now?

**Shitty (2:09pm)**

JACKSON my baby, my honey, my ragtag gal,,,,, Weed is the Best Thing On This Planet and YES, i am ranking it above hockey. and tub juice

**Shitty (2:09pm)**

will that short circuit ur hockey robot inside wirings. the fact that UR OWN HOCKEY KIND is betraying THE ONE THING YOU LOVE

**Jack (2:10pm)**

…what the fuck

**Shitty (2:10pm)**

SHORTCIRCUITED. THE HOCKEY ROBOTI S DEFEATED

**Shitty (2:10pm)**

THIS IS LIKE HOCKEYSTAR GALACTICA BRUH

**Bitty (2:11pm)**

Beep bop

**Jack (2:11pm)**

What is going on

**Lardo (2:12pm)**

bitty has been laughing for 10 mins at this conversation he is so Gone 

**Lardo (2:12pm)**

he and shitty are so fuckin faded

**Nursey (2:12pm)**

just give them a few hours, they’ll be passed out before u know it

**Jack (2:13pm)**

Bittle might, but not Shitty

**Jack (2:13pm)**

Lardo if I buy you froyo can you stop Shitty from jumping into bed with me naked

**Lardo (2:14pm)**

Froyo for three days of my choice

**Jack (2:14pm)**

done

**Lardo (2:14pm)**

IT’S SETTLED. JACK ZIMMERMANN I WILL PROTECT U TO THE ENDS OF HTE EARTH 

**Shitty (2:14pm)**

BETRAYED

**Shitty (2:15pm)**

THIS IS LIKE FINDING OUT THAT LARDO’S ONE OF HTE FINAL FIVE CYLON

**Lardo (2:15pm)**

shitty literally no one cares abt yr sci-fi ramblings. except probably holster

**Holster (2:16pm)**

EXCUSE U, BATTLESTAR IS ONE OF THE GREATEST SCIFI SHOWS THAT EVER EXISTED

**Ransom (2:16pm)**

i come out of class and the most recent message is Holster talking about Battlestar Galactica. what have u guys done?!

**Ransom (2:16pm)**

next thing u know he’ll be bringing out the powerpoint on why that show is literally the greatest

**Holster (2:17pm)**

DAMN RIGHT I WILL OH MAN!!

**Bitty (2:21pm)**

Wait. How did i get in the kitchen???????

**Lardo (2:21pm)**

bitty. u walked there with ur legs

**Bitty (2:22pm)**

Oh my gosh

**Ransom (2:22pm)**

is bits high?

**Ransom (2:22pm)**

oh my god i just saw all the messages bits is as high as a kite this is beautiful

**Jack (2:23pm)**

I think Bitty is definitely a changed person now. What have you guys done?

**Bitty (2:24pm)**

I’m just so hungry. What did I do?

**Nursey (2:24pm)**

awww baby’s first munchies :’)))

**Bitty (2:25pm)**

I am OLDER than you Nursey!!!!!!!! Respect your elders!!!!

**Holster (2:25pm)**

is someone filming this all bc im in class and it hurts me that im not witnessing this

**Ransom (2:26pm)**

now that bitty has leveled up in Awesome do u think we can convince him to make pot brownies

**Lardo (2:26pm)**

duuuuuuude

**Nursey (2:26pm)**

or A LITERAL POT PIE

**Lardo (2:26pm)**

DUUUUUUUUUUUDE nice play on words mr. english major

**Shitty (2:26pm)**

bits I’m holding this to u for when ur sober

**Bitty (2:27pm)**

How does that even work??? Do you just sprinkle the little weed pieces in the brownie mix

**Bitty (2:27pm)**

And I’m not sure weed things will mix into the fruit pie filling :(

**Nursey (2:28pm)**

omg

**Shitty (2:28pm)**

bitty we will teach u the Way The Truth and The Life

**Jack (2:29pm)**

guys please

**Shitty (2:29pm)**

um excuse u Jack “oh my god shitty b. knight these pot brownies are the greatest things i’ve ever tasted” zimmermann

**Jack (2:30pm)**

I was under the influence. Wasn’t of the right of mind

**Shitty  (2:30pm)**

i will NOT sit here and take any more of your STRIAGHT UP LIES and SAD ATTEMPT AT CHIPRING mr. hockey cylon!!!!!!

**Chowder (2:31pm)**

What is happening??????

**Dex (2:31pm)**

me and Chowder just came out of class to 69 unread messages. What the hell is happening? 

**Bitty (2:32pm)**

Isn’t that the SEX NUMBER

**Lardo (2:32pm)**

bitty please

**Lardo (2:32pm)**

i’ll have u guys know that i am with bitty in the living room and he is full on guffawing over 69

** Lardo (2:32pm) **

He's crying

**Lardo (2:32pm)**

i’m filming this

**Ransom (2:33pm)**

send it to me so i can add it to the “hilarious videos" google doc folder

**Ransom (2:33pm)**

we haven’t had that updated since the video of the epikegster where we added tequila to the tub juice instead of our usual vodka

**Jack (2:34pm)**

Oh lord, don’t even remind me of that 

* * *

**Bitty (4:43pm)**

I can’t believe mini pies exist??? Like. they're regular pies… but they’re small???????

**Bitty (4:43pm)**

And I can MAKE THEM. And they’re fucking DELICIOUS

**Ransom (4:44pm)**

bitty oh my god

**Nursey (4:44pm)**

bitty’s been up for hours. shouldn’t he be passed out by now

**Jack (4:45pm)**

He’s back in his room but he’s just laying on his back staring at the ceiling. And he’s had short bursts of laughter

**Bitty (4:48pm)**

I’m FINE

**Lardo (4:50pm)**

damn bitty has endurance. even shitty’s passed tf out 

**Jack (4:51pm)**

Wait… there’s a whole pie in his room. It’s 3/4ths of a way gone\

**Bitty (4:51pm)**

JACK!!! You RATTED me out :(

**Lardo (4:52pm)**

so THAT’S where the banana cream pie went. 

**Lardo (4:52pm)**

bitty the last time i saw that pie only two slices have been taken did u eat that entire pie

**Bitty (4:53pm)**

I’M AM SO HUNGRY

**Lardo (4:53pm)**

BITTY GIVE ME SOME PIE

**Bitty (4:53pm)**

NO I AM SO HUNGRY 

**Jack (4:54pm)**

Update: Bittle just slammed the door shut and locked it. Sorry Lardo, the munchies win this time

**Lardo (4:54pm)**

if bitty’s gonna be selfish abt his pies like this i will NEVER let him near weed ever again

**Bitty (4:54pm)**

>:(

**Lardo (4:55pm)**

bitty, pass out already and save everyone’s message notifications 

**Lardo (4:56pm)**

YOU OWE ME A PIE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO UH LOL GUESS WHO JUST REFERENCED TWO OF THEIR OMGCP SHITPOSTS ON TUMBLR (flips hair)

**Author's Note:**

> THX FOR READING if you need translating of any sort just lmk in the comments!!
> 
> FUN FACT the first text that bitty sent is an actual thing i wrote in my notepad when i got wasted for the first time. my other completely wasted friend was giving me advice and it was an Experience
> 
> hmu on tumblr @zimmboners :D
> 
> STAY TUNED FOR MORE MY FRIENDS


End file.
